No, I'm not splitting up with my husband or anything. That is still all good.
What I am speaking of is an intimacy with God.
In the last year, I have felt a real distance coming in my relationship with Him. In fact, I have had trouble with even picking up my bible. It saddened me and shocks me all at the same time, and I keep saying to myself, "What is it?".
Intimacy builds in marrage when you invest in the life and in love of that person. Communing with their heart becomes something you seek. Many might put a sexual intimacy in this same catagory. But, for women, we know that the sexual intimacy must come through our hearts first. Letting our hearts be vulnerable. Letting our hearts cry out for that person to really know it.
It has finally hit me that I haven't cried out for God to know my heart in this last year.
I slowly closed that avenue off as I saw a strain in our financial health, in a difficult relationship with my children earlier, and with the strain of it all...eventually a hurt deep inside by a friendship that kind of through me over the edge. I simply couldn't pick up my bible. I couldn't pray. Nothing came out that resembled hunger for my relationship with the only one who could really heal my hurt. Nothing.
I couldn't pick up my bible, but through the persuasion of a persistent friend, I picked up Ann Voskamp's book, 1000 gifts. This beautiful book shouldn't have been a substitute for God's word. It shouldn't take it's place, but He used it to draw me to him inch by inch.
You know how when you're mad at your husband or he's done something to urk you, you kinda want to just stomp off? Then pretty soon the little urk becomes apathy and you have forgotten how to reach for a kiss or hug. You don't even miss it. It's just a numb existence at that point without a feeling. Well, that's where I had been. Numb.
Well, I am slowly emerging. Sometimes it requires a little pin-pricking to get a feeling back. Sometimes it requires a long-hug. God, my gracious God, has been waiting for me patiently. Sometimes he allow me to get a poke, a sting, by something I read. "OUCH" as I read that my selfish, ungratefulness has brought me the lack of joy. Then, He turns around and washes a deep, long-hug as I weep at my kitchen sink.
It's plain weird for me to make a connection with God as if he's a husband, but in this case that's what I feel. He want express his love gently, as I need it. But, I think he's waiting for me to let down all the defenses. He's waiting for that final giving of myself to him. I'm almost there.
Letting go of lies, disappointments and hurt is like getting your teeth clean. I hate the scaping off and the way it makes me so uncomfortable. But, I love running my teeth over the smooth, clean edges and the lovely clean taste.
I need a good scaping and God is going to work taking the callouses off.
I'm waiting for the emergent new heart.